This week I’m taking a small break from the discussions of change related to thought and behavior to talk about another type of huge change in my life. Recently my mother died. As the title suggests it wasn’t unexpected. She was 93 and lived an amazing life full of love for her family, support to her friends and kindness to anyone that she encountered. Existing had become difficult for her at the end of her life and it was a blessing that suffering didn’t continue. The downside, however, is that my family and I no longer have her with us.
My mom has been going through significant changes for several years, many acknowledged consciously, many avoided because the recognition of such things would make it more difficult than it had to be. She was an amazing woman that filled her days with herculean efforts in taking care of family that included raising a garden, canning fruits and veggies, baking, sewing, quilting, cleaning and generally everything else to grow children. Also, during my lifetime she worked full time to supplement the family income.
During the intervening years since my dad’s death mom has slowed. Gardening grew less, completing full quilts turned to quilt tops and then blocks, there weren’t others to cook for. Much of the change, of course, was prompted by changes around her, but much was because of changes in her as her body suffered the rages of time and her mind showed signs of aging. It was hard to see and acknowledge these changes, as it meant differences had to be faced and overcome in our relationship and I had to learn to accept the inevitability of the non-permanence of life and a relationship that I had benefited from for 56 years.
Returning to my hometown of 18 years made me face additional changes. Largely being stationed overseas, I have not visited frequently and its shocking to see the houses where neighbors and friends lived and existed, and barns where I’d played and stacked hay in, ravaged by time, sagging and many falling inwards on themselves. New homes and cabins have been built, old trees cut, new ones thriving. It was almost as if I was in a different world.
Going through these experiences reminded me that change is inevitable. The nature of life and existence makes change constant and unavoidable. Many of these changes are painful and difficult. To lose my mother is a loss of my guiding constant, someone that was my greatest cheerleader, a paragon of unconditional love and support. That kind of loss makes me reel and, even at 56, wonder how well I’ll do and perform in the rest of my life, now she is gone. Yet another change to manage and negotiate.